Friday, 16 October 2015

Everyone's Least Favourite Word

I'm not that gross.
            I'm great for describing the contents of a cake recipe. What, is wet any better? The soggy brownies? The dripping cupcakes? No. Your cheesecake is not damp; it's moist.
            Most desserts are filled with warm—you guessed it—moisture. If it causes you pain to hear me, then grow the hell up and call your cookies mushy.
            Is it the way that the 'o' and 'i' sound together? If yes, then explain why hoist gets along fine with the rest of your vocabulary; with its harsh 'h' and aggressive tone.
            I know the truth. I know that you dirty-minded English-speaking humans associate me with your disgusting reproductive methods. I often find myself in the same boat as penetration, traversing the seas of immature individuals who can't accept the fact that Betty Crocker's cakes are moist, not 'non-dry'.
            Why bother wasting your time complaining about me, an underused, underrated, and unfairly hated syllable, when disastrous words such as 'epic' have stirred the minds of many? Epic is lame. He talks a load of bull and only hangs out with greasy gamers.
            Use me for baked goods. Use me for sweaty hands. Even use me when describing your nasty human activities. But don't you ever try to eliminate me.
            Now go and eat your goddamn moist carrot cake.

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